it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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