1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
