I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
