U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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