I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
