Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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