everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
