I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
