There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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