She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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