did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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