I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
