This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
