All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
