I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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