I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
