Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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