The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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