She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
