And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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