I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
