Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
