You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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