found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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