i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
