Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
