I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
