we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
