Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
