my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
