I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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