Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
