Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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