She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
