If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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