ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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