he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
