I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
