They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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