just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
