not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
