why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
