Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
