things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
