Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
