If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
