OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize