yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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