Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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