Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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