She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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