it hurts more in the daytime
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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