Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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