no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize