Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
