I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
