I like to think it a success when the cops are called
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
