Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
