You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I cut my penus on the lid.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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