I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize